Hindsight is 20/20 :(idiomatic) In hindsight things are obvious that were not obvious from the outset; one is able to evaluate past choices more clearly than at the time of the choice.
I published a naughty & nice list on NYE instead of pre-Christmas, shared my 2024 Ins and Outs 9 days into the new year, likely won’t post about my Black Friday haul until sometime in February, and have only now begun to process wtf happened over the last 4 years.
Late in November, during dinner with friends, one of them snapped at me that something I reference was “culturally so four years ago” and in my head I was like “damn, I though we were besties. Why’s she out for blood?”. I spent the rest of the evening holding back tears and the next month and a half reflecting on the fact of the matter. Not only did I observe that all 5 books I was concurrently reading were written in 2018-2019, and the one book published in 2023 was a collection of essays from 2020-2023, that my nervous system was overloaded and my head was ringing from the various eruptions over the last half of a decade, but that I was foolishly adrift career-wise. I feel a bit of PTSD honestly.
In December 2019 I was riding high and full of hope, pirouetting with excitement over my first opportunity to embark on my pivot from on-set styling to creative directing photoshoots. I had just been put on retainer with a small independent eyewear company willing to give me a chance. My first retainer client! I was teeming with ideas. The budgets were tiny but since I was used to that I was mega resourceful and none-the-less able to make beautiful images with photographers I adore and creatives I admire to model the frames which were handcrafted in Los Angeles. We shot a lookbook, a campaign and a video. Sadly the campaign images and the video never saw the light of day. And my brilliant idea for the campaign, shot in 2019, to come out the following year, was centered around the theme “Hindsight is 2020”. I’m laughing out loud at the irony and at the impossibility of foresight of what was to come. I hired the photographer Pat Martin to shoot 8 LA creatives in their element. I asked them all to reflect on the saying and hit me back with a quote. Before they could even reply to the email, the world would be forever changed. The founder had planned to open a brick and mortar, host an launch party, exhibit large prints of the drum scanned images, post the images and quotes on web and social. But then world shut down. Brick and mortars did not open. Launch parties couldn’t happen. Shoots stopped. My retainer expired. All hope was lost. The company folded later in 2020.
That year many of us worked from home. I pivoted to making free content. At first it was mostly an endeavor to help save small indie brands. It was also really fun way to be creative and pass the time. I was hired by a store to do a monthly column as a guest editor. I started to get a handful of paid partnerships. As the world reopened, I stayed on that train for a couple more years.
In 2022 I made 6 figures for the first time in my little country girl / former schoolteacher life. But in 2023 the paid partnerships tapered off. Then, my main client and revenue source unceremoniously stopped hiring me after deciding to use an in-house stylist for ecomm.
I was still in a daze in the “post-covid” world, but I didn’t know. I was still “fat and happy” as they say. But things moved on. I moved on in many ways, but career wise, didn’t know how to…or want to…or what direction to go. Now I feel disoriented. And so old.
Amid all of that Eddie was having an unexpected career comeback as a singer. We had often thrown around the line, “sometime you’re on tambourine” from Chris Rock’s 2018 comedy special “Tambourine” about how sometimes one person in the couple gets to be the lead singer and the other has to play tambourine. And when it’s your turn to play tambourine you do it with enthusiasm and a smile. Eddie’s just happens to be a lead singer, but the metaphor still applied when he was a photographer the roles were reversed from time to time. When he had taken up photography after giving up music in the 2010’s he talked me into being his stylist. Eventually, I being hired as a stylist for lookbooks, started working with other photographers and did some editorial work for smaller publications, sometimes with Eddie. As a photographer, he shot beautiful personal and editorial work but wasn‘t getting hired for many pay gigs.
Then some brands and designers were asking to feature me wearing their clothing in their online journal, mailers and social content and he would shoot me for that type of stuff. At some point I was singing lead and he was playing tambourine. I got the pay jobs and the party invites and he felt like he was passed over. Eventually, after we shot and styled a couple shoots for Autre, he wrote a literal midnight letter to Summer Bowie and Oliver Krupp and carved out a role for himself as fashion director of the magazine. Although it wasn’t a paid position, he felt fulfilled being of service, utilizing his skill set and feeling valued for his endless talents. I felt a bit iced out at the time, but in the big picture - in hindsight - I’m glad I was. In 2019, by a twist of fate, he met the angel John Carroll Kirby and found his way back to music. In the time much of the world experienced a conflict and trauma-filled hiatus in the form of a lockdown, social distancing orders, and a collective post-pandemic daze, he went from 90’s one hit wonder obscurity and a 25 year hiatus from recording to vibe-master R&B legend status.
This was my turn to play tambourine. I’ve loved the role. I have loved directing his videos, touring the world with him, listening to every demo, mix, remix, helping select photos, edit bios, outfit approvals, and holding down the fort when leaves for month-long strings of shows. And although the tables turned a bit - now I am the one rarely getting hired, no longer invited to things - there’s a weird thing that happens when you love someone. You’re so grateful to see them thrive and so grateful to be in their service. Couples shouldn’t compete. They shouldn’t keep score. And they shouldn’t be yoked. In the earlier stages of his once very sharp, wise and vibrant mother’s dementia, we asked her what advice she had for us and she slowly and deliberately said the simple words, “when she’s down you lift her up. when he’s down you lift him up.”
During this time, styling opportunities I would have wanted faded away. More opportunities to be paid to create my own content came up. I got to make a lot of money styling ecomm. But when you’re styling ecomm it’s hard for clients to not see you as a person who’s only value is making sure the tank top isn’t wrinkled. I think I have so much more to offer when it comes to helping create beautiful images. But I loved being able to play tambourine by contributing to the household with an income.
I finally looked back at the two photo shoots I produced and directed for the eyewear company. I’m still proud of the work. I’m also proud of the videos I directed for Eddie. I can’t say the same for all of the outfit selfies and Reels and I’ve archived a lot. Sometimes I wish I could write brands and just be like, “your imagery sucks. You need my consultation” but that’s not very tactful is it. And anyway, I’d rather be asked to dance. And although I have a fairly specific aesthetic, I don’t have much of a resume.
Even though I like the complete creative control of being a one-woman team and styling myself, it has it’s drawbacks, too. I’d love to get back to a behind the scenes role and be trusted and listened to and work with a nice little team of collaborators again.
I hope I find my angel, my John Carroll Kirby to rehabilitate me. Or my Summer and Oliver to whom I can write a midnight letter and create a new role for myself where I’m valued and fulfilled. I’m scared to get back on the horse. But let me know if you have a horse you want me to ride. Or if you’re an angel who wants to rehabilitate me. Or have a dance.
I know Eddie felt a bit of trepidation being back on the horse going into a studio at first, but 5 years later, up on stage, I know he feels right at home. It gives me hope.
Beautiful reflection and you’re not alone in feeling like there was an enduring time warp. It’s undeniable even if people can’t (won’t) articulate it.
A writer/theorist I admire, Mark Fisher, has helped me grasp what’s happened/happening with his writings on “hauntology.” The notion that the present is haunted by lost futures of the past. He writes about how this shows up in pop culture and aesthetics as there being “nothing new” as a result of late stage capitalism.
In my mind, your writings are in conversation with Mark’s. And it feels like rather than continue on some imagined, false trajectory out of the rupture (which would be most convenient to capitalism), you’re continuing on the “z-axis” by taking a critical eye to the landscape. I realize that ultimately $ needs to flow and we need to somehow feel well (and deserve to), but I think your finger IS on the pulse, if that makes sense. Your musings feel rehabilitating to me and I hope you experience what feels like rehabilitation to you, even if it’s on the “z-axis”.
This was such a beautiful essay. You know, the thing about riding a horse is, you can't get on it until you can trust yourself. Horses have a way of bringing out the best in us, but we first have to do our best to work out shit out, and until that happens they wait. So maybe you just need a little more time and a little more trust, and then you can ride that ride and you get to choose the song to dance to and dance the night away with the most deserving dance partner....