Let Me Hear Your Bawdy Talk

How I got a WAP at Fifty. Plus More Taboo Topics

Shameful Subjects: Let's Go There

Top with built-in bra by Nood. $80 with code SISSY10.

I constantly confront no shortage of things that challenge me to overcome shame as an aging woman in a youth-worshiping culture that is designed to make me feel bad about myself so I'll buy things. I'm obviously not a purist when it comes to always feeling positive about my body, not caving to consumerism, and not wishing I looked younger, better, or hotter. Sorry I’m not a better role model. It's a journey.

As a sex coach, I will hold a safe space for clients to talk about absolutely anything - many of those things will pertain to topics surrounded by shame. I'm obviously no shrinking violet when it comes to talking about taboo subjects like sex, and I enjoy modeling that comfort if it helps put others at ease. But fair warning, I get a little graphic at one point. So, the bawdier I got with this post, the more inclined I felt to put some things behind a paywall.

So the theme of today’s post is the crude, lewd, vulgar, racy, taboo, earthy, and shameful.

CREPEY SKIN

Gen X was blessed with a chart-topping spoken word anthem encouraging us to wear sunscreen. I took it to heart and slathered it on my face daily. I wish someone had done a remix telling us to moisturize every square inch of our body daily, too. Now, I'm playing catch up and prioritizing full body hydration to reverse, prevent, and improve sagging skin. But I'm also prioritizing a million other things, so I'm seeking the most streamlined approach - meaning it goes on quickly and easily and doesn't leave you too greasy to throw your clothes on right after. Here are my three favorites:

Hanni Splash Salve is a thick body balm that you can easily smooth on while in the shower so you don't space out and forget to lotion up once you've toweled off. I appreciate this whole process because I am a total space case, and I sometimes find pump applicators to be a bit of a pain.

Another clever lotion application design is the lotion bar by Kate McLeod, which looks like a bar of soap. I keep the Sleep Stone by my bedside in its bamboo canister so I can apply it while winding down at night.

I also tried Honey Body Oil, which I liked a lot. This sounds like a weird way to describe an oil, but it had a warm and dry feel to it, which I liked.

CELLULITE

It is tough to tell these days what is sagging skin and what is cellulite, and I know there's only so much I can do about either. I will not go full Elizabeth Sparkle in The Substance, don't you worry. I advocate for going more Oswald in A Different Man (did my favorite movie of 2025 get any attention at all?) and choosing to thrive and self-actualize no matter what vessel you're in. But although I did not cave when I was targeted by an Instagram ad for a $135 at-home lymphatic drainage kit, I did what any other fool would do and found a less expensive version. Last night, I used these Cheeky Cups along with Hanni Good Aura oil to engage in a self-torture ritual not far off from the subject matter in the course on Sadism I'm taking because I did cave to The Centre of Applied Jungian Studies' targeted ad. Being in over my head in that class is also a painful experience, but let's hope I get what I'm seeking out of both.

But honestly, I don’t know why I’m still attempting to conquer lumpy thighs. One thing my late-in-life sexual reawakening taught me is I wasted precious years letting my shame around cellulite hamper my sex life, my self-esteem, and my spirit for no good reason. It literally doesn’t matter. But the desire to get rid of it is a demon I have yet to exorcise. Maybe the demon will get removed along with the toxins during lymphatic drainage.

EXTREMITIES

Maybe by the end of the course, I'll appreciate how the unwanted realities of an aging body are a catalyst for personal growth that will set my soul free from earthly illusion, but until then, I'll be focused on how bad it sucks that my hands, knees, elbows, and feet are starting to look grotesque. Now, I use Theraplush, a retinol, every night to combat the effects of time, dryness, age spots, and crepey skin. Soft Services has me hooked because they sent the most beautifully designed pump that perfectly matches my bedroom decor, and now I'm convinced the $36 refill pods are affordable. I'm going fragrance-free next time because I thought it smelled a little "grandma." Props to their copywriter, who describes it as "nostalgic and intimate, like the comfort of a loved one."

Our heels keep us humble. Spend one day in sandals, and something monstrous happens to them, like a vampire exposed to the sun or a gremlin fed after midnight. I think I always did the bare minimum shower-time routine with a Muji silk powder pumice, Noto Resurface Scrub, and a monthly salon pedicure, but avoided petroleum jelly because that sounds hella toxic and Eucerine because someone once told me it is made with pee. (It is, but chill, it's synthetic urine. Wait til you enter perimenopause and find out what Premarin is made of.) I just discovered that my heels become softer when I use a pumice on dry skin, and I'm taking the very un-bougie Vaseline and socks approach for a while to see what happens.

Theraplush by Soft Services. $63

BOOBS

Oh, boobs! So many lifetimes together. What are we going to do with you?

I just did some spring cleaning, tossed a bunch of blown-out bras I hadn't worn in years, and went in search of pretty, comfortable bras that aren't bumpy under my clothes and keep 'em perky. My favorite by far was the Else nano bra - soft and smooth microfiber, molded cups, no underwire, no embellishments. (I still got an embellished set— this separates version of my beloved Monique bodysuit.) I got one in black, and I'm waiting for a restock of off-white.

I also found something similar in a range of colors from Negative.

Nood is always coming through with boob solutions. Last year, I did a whole post-demo-ing their products. Now, they've launched t-shirts with built-in support and shape. I got the long-sleeve crewneck, and it is perfect. I wear it so often that I've put that deodorant that promises to be effective for 72 hours, which I mentioned a few posts ago, to the test.

Else Nano bra, $95

B.O.

Yeah, so let's talk about body odor. I have been using an unscented, aluminium-free deodorant from Necessaire, and it works. I won't admit to going three days without showering—two, maybe. But I will admit that I have worn this Third Form top that many days in a row, and the pits are fresh as a daisy.

Third Form top $240 and skirt $260

SPON CON

Am I down with FTC? Yeah, you know me. Before I escalate to even more shameful topics (is there anything more shameful than sponsored content on Substack?!) I need to disclose that today's post was brought to you by Hanni, PMD Beauty, and Moon Juice. But that doesn't mean my love for these things isn’t sincere. In fact, sometimes I love a product so much that I pitch a partnership so I can get my bag while I help you fill your carts with life-enhancing products. And I can give you discount codes like SISSY20 for 20% off Hanni, SISSY30 for 30% off PMD Beauty, and SISSY for 20% off Moon Juice. I can hold my head high.

DUPES

While we are on the non-body-related taboo train of thought of the stigmatized things in life, let's talk dupes. I have googled "dupe" twice in my life. I'd usually rather buy something I think is cool and find out it's a dupe than knowingly seek it out. The first time was one of the last styling jobs I did when the very expensive, very viral, and very fucking beautiful Bottega earrings had been out for about 2 weeks and sold out for 13 days - not even long enough for the knock-offs to have hit the internet - and the client was hellbent on using those exact earrings in the shoot. I didn't have a connection from which I could borrow them, as she suggested. Flash to a couple of years later, and I have fallen out of love with styling but not out of love with those earrings. Now I have the Ana Luisa version in gold and silver, and I feel no shame. The originals are not at a price point that induces an eat-the-rich sentiment, but too much for my blood. One has to balance conflicting viewpoints like honoring the original design with honoring my own hard-earned money. I'd rather have them for $75 than $880.

Ana Luisa earrings, $75

The other time was last week when I wanted to save $480 plus tax on a micro-trend so silly it would make all our ancestors roll in their graves. The fact that I feel like I need toeless socks at all seems bat-shit crazy, but I think they'll be cute with thongs (and keep my heels hidden. I haven't found dupes yet, but I dug up a pair of Darner mesh socks from 10 years ago and took the scissors to their perfectly placed toe seam. Voila. I feel the spirits of my Dust Bowler, Depression Era grandparents laughing either way.

Marko Bakovic, me, Miu Miu

FACIAL HAIR

I saw a meme that said something like, "Men will go on a diet and call it biohacking," and since I, too, experience shame around not conforming to societal gender norms, I thought, "Women will shave their face and call it dermaplaning." Despite hearing Marilyn Monroe's peach fuzz was responsible for her ethereal glow, I started dermaplaning to remove mine last year. I tend to get a clogged pore or two after.

Now, I'm using PMD's personal microderm device beforehand to sand off dead skin cells and suction gunk out of my pores beforehand to prevent ingrown hairs. Using my discount code makes the whole device about the same price as one facial. I've used the device once a week for three weeks, and I love it. Hearing that little suction sound and seeing what comes off my skin is so satisfying.

PMD mircoderm device, $111 with code SISSY30

DRY MOUTH

Shifting to dry orifices during sexual activity now. First, dry mouth. Does this happen to you after a lot of heavy breathing, disrupting the flow of your kisses, fellatio, cunnilingus, or spit kink? Or when you're nervous or anxious? Or have been drinking or smoking? And no amount of water helps? My friend turned me on to these mints that activate salivary glands and miraculously restore moisture like a heavy rain to a desert.

VAGINAL DRYNESS

I had a really vulgar stepdad who thought he was hilarious when he called every Volvo he passed on the road a "vulva," which made me roll my eyes but also shaped my sense of humor, love of word-play, and maybe my future career. So now I think it's hilarious to say I own a 1970's model Vulva. Owners of 70's model vulvas find the need to take theirs in for some maintenance due to the drop in estrogen that occurs in mid-life. A lube job and a tune-up - since I'm on this car metaphor - to check fluid levels, lubricate parts to prevent wear and tear, and make for a smoother ride. (We are technically talking about vaginas here, but let me have my pun.) I could write a whole post on the benefits of doing Kegel exercises daily, but you can Google that easily enough, and I urge you to start doing them now. Like literally, as you read the rest of this post.

Whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style (meaning you can shift into sexual arousal at the drop of a hat or you need to warm up your engine first) - a decrease in vaginal lubrication can occur for a variety of reasons. It can occur with age, with hormonal fluctuations, from side-effects of medication, or from experiencing stress, anxiety, depression, or all of the above.

Lube is great and all (and I will dedicate more posts to lubes eventually), but I personally have always loved to rely on what my body has been capable of producing naturally: a WAP. (I'm reminded of a funny part in "All Fours," Miranda July's book centered around a perimenopausal odyssey, where she's earnestly asking her husband's new partner, who is also in her mid-late 40s, if she's experiencing vaginal dryness, and the woman responds by asking if she's engaging in a wet pussy contest - like a big dick contest.) But at the end of the day, it's all about creating the best experience possible for all involved, and I'd like to share some of the things that worked best for me.

I do Kegel exercise daily. I used to think of these as something done to “keep my pussy tight” - thinking only about a partner's pleasure, focused on inadequacy, done in more of a frantic, body-shame driven way. When I started to understand the benefits for vagina-havers such as stronger pelvic floor, less painful sex, prevention of pelvic organ prolapse, improved bowel function, enhanced pleasure — I began to do them more consistently and gladly.

Hormone Replacement Therapy keeps my hormone levels more consistent and predictable and creates better conditions for sexual function. I take maca root powder in my coffee every morning for the same reason.

Along with all the exercises and products I use, one of the best ways to feel better and wetter is to slow down—slow way down—drop into my body, work up a good fantasy if I want, and focus on ALL pleasurable sensations. I find that taking full-spectrum CBD oil or gummies helps make this easier to do.

If I want to boost arousal up a notch before sex, I either use Sex Dust by Moon Juice or Libido Support from Perelel. Sex Dust is nice because I whip it up with a little water, oat milk, and usually coffee as a little treat. Those times when I'd rather pop a pill real quick, Perelel is the way to go.

I'm not gonna lie—I sometimes do it all. You'll find a more explicit description of the payoff past the paywall. Bring a bucket and a mop and meet me there.